Why you should Do Less for Your Kids
Paul J. Donahue, Ph.D.
I meet many extremely successful adults in my practice- people who have risen to the top of their fields through grit and hard work. They often report that they have always had a strong drive to succeed and a level of internal motivation that set them apart from their peers. Many rose from difficult circumstances, and although they may have received some encouragement along the way, they retain a sense that their own diligence and capacity to struggle through challenging times has set them in good stead in life.
So what brings them to my office? Often they are stumped at how to impart the same lessons to their children. Having achieved a level of comfort and success, they are not sure if their kids will have the same ambition and resilience.
One father, whom I'll call Charlie, was frustrated by his 14 year old son's inability to focus on more challenging school work. Charlie talked of all the ways he tried to inspire his son, including taking him in the basement to see the volumes of extra work he did in high school and college. His son was impressed but couldn't see how his father's experience in school was relevant now. Exasperated, Charlie blurted out, "Sometimes I wish my kids had the same disadvantages I had!"
In my experience there are legions of bright, successful and well intentioned parents with the same dilemma. They want the best for their kids and they spend lots of time and energy fretting over what they should do to help them succeed- in the classroom, on the sports fields and in the social arena. When they're plans go awry they are stumped. Why aren't their kids motivated? Where's their desire to do their best- a fire that burned so bright in their moms and dads?
The answer to those questions lies in a simple paradox: If you want more for you kids, do less for them.
All the recent research about resilient children, those who overcome hardship and learn to work hard in and out of school points in the same direction: kids who are independent and disciplined, and have an internal sense of their own efficacy and abilities, do well in life.
The problem is, many kids today don't get that chance. Early on they get used to their parents help. They think nothing of asking their parents to pick up after them, to chauffer them all over town, to make multiple dinners, to chip in with their homework and to schedule multiple play dates every week. I hear from many parents who feel guilty whenever their kids are frustrated or unhappy. They worry that they must somehow be "letting them down."
Trying to anticipate all of our children's needs and satisfy their every desire is counter-productive. We risk finding out years later that our kids are still dependent on us, a little entitled, and unable to handle challenges on their own. In some cases, that discovery happens too late. I work with many hovered-over teenagers who are now finding it hard to take on the responsibilities of adolescence and young adulthood.
The "do less" philosophy or parenting assumes that children who are left to their own devices are likely to be more independent and resourceful, and have higher levels of self-esteem. As parents, the best route to helping our kids become more self-sufficient is to hover less and give them more autonomy, allowing them to be the initiators of their actions ("Honey, it's your homework, not ours! I've been to fifth grade!").
If we can learn to step back, and give our kids some breathing room, we might just be surprised how much they can accomplish. In the process, parents might also feel less stressed and less responsible for their children's day to day level of achievement and happiness.
We can begin while our children are still in preschool. Letting them get dressed on their own and pick up after themselves are good places to start. By elementary and middle school, some parents find that their kids can be independent contributors to the family, "part of the solution," not just the source of more work.
In many ways the prescription for change is a simple one. As parents we can have a few mantras: "Leave them be;" "Don't hover or micro-manage;" "Let kids take care of their own business;" "Less is more."
The examples below are all straightforward methods for giving kids more responsibility and less help. To some they may suggest an earlier time, when family life was less hectic. I'm not advocating a throwback, "Little House on the Prairie" approach to parenting, but I do believe that the basic lessons we want to teach kids- to be independent, to persevere, and to be resilient- haven't changed much over the years.
Here are 10 Ways to Do Less and Accomplish More as a Parent:
- Let your children learn to play by themselves.
Lessons: Self-Reliance and Self-Confidence - Teach them to clean up their toys and clothes.
Lessons: Personal Responsibility, Self-discipline and Organization - Don't Schedule too many play dates.
Lessons: Managing their own lives and time for Solo Pursuits - Expect your kids to start their homework on their own.
Lessons: Facing Challenges, Learning to Struggle and Focus - Make just one meal for dinner. Don't be a Short-Order Cook!
Lessons: Flexibility, Cooperation (and Good Eating habits) - Let your kids learn to entertain themselves. (Without electronics!)
Lessons: Self-Motivation, Creativity and Independence - Give you children Real chores.
Lessons: Self-discipline, Perseverance & Contributing to a Community - Buy fewer treats and toys. Let kids earn money and manage their expenses.
Lessons: Delayed Gratification and Earning Privileges - Only sign your kids up for one or two activities.
Lessons: Self-Motivation and Generating their own ideas. - Don't overdo praise- Do Recognize a Job Well Done!
Lessons: Realistic Self-assessment and Learning to Practice
